Self-Friendship, Self-Sacrifice, and Self-Love

“Does a man have friendship toward himself? He [Aristotle] observes that this question must be postponed since it is a semantic problem rather than a real one. Friendship seems to exist among any persons who possess two or three of the characteristics mentioned. And when the friendship for others excels, it is similar to the love a man has for himself. Consequently, someone wishing to prove his friendship for another is accustomed to say ‘I love you as myself.’ Hence it doesn’t make any difference whether the word friendship is applied to self, because the reality of friendship abundantly belongs to a man in regard to himself.” — St. Thomas Aquinas. Commentary on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, 1812.

St. Thomas Aquinas on self-love

St. Thomas Aquinas was a 13th century Dominican priest and theologian and Doctor of the Church. He is often referred to as the “Angelic Doctor.” He synthesized Aristotelean philosophy with Christianity and is often considered one of the greatest theologians in the Catholic Church. St. Thomas had a great deal to say about self-love. He considered proper self-love to be a prerequisite for love of others and even love of God.

According to Thomistic scholar Anthony Flood in his book The Metaphysical Foundations of Love, “Aquinas contends that the process of perfecting the love of self and its term involves the same properties as found in a friendship between persons.” (p. 16). Although many philosophers may object to the idea of self-friendship, it makes sense if we understand human beings as having an inmost self and parts. The core self can listen to, understand, empathize with, support, console, comfort, guide, mentor, unburden, and love the many parts of the self-system.

St. Thomas also says, “We must hold that properly speaking, a man is not a friend to himself, but something more than a friend, since friendship implies union, for Dionysius says (Div Nom, iv) that love is a unitive force, whereas a man is one with himself which is more than being united to another. Hence just as unity is the principle of union, so the love with which a man loves himself is the form and root of friendship. For if we have friendship with others it is because we do unto them as we do unto ourselves, hence we read in Ethics ix.4.8 that ‘the origin of friendly relations with others lies in our relations to ourselves.’” (Summa Theologica, II-II,q.25,a.4)

The necessity of internal unity or interior integration

We must have internal unity before we can have union with others. This internal integration makes perfect sense once we understand that we have internal parts. These parts may carry wounds, false beliefs, self-destructive thought patterns, and dysregulated emotions. These parts might conflict with each other. Fr. Guilbeau, O.P. (in Aquinas 101 cited below in the resources section) points out that love is expressed internally and externally, and that “internally charity produces joy, peace, and mercy.” When we love our parts, when we help them release burdens, we feel internal peace and experience joy.

Before we can advance to higher levels of prayer and contemplation, we must first attain a measure of interior integration as we heal past wounds, challenge false beliefs with truth, eliminate cognitive distortions (the lies we tell ourselves), and regulate our emotions in healthy ways. We work through inner conflicts and foster healthy and working relationships between our parts. In other words, we experience self-friendship or proper love of self.

Self-love can be ordered or disordered

Natural love, wounded by sin, can result in egotism which is the corruption of love. This is why the Church Fathers and others may speak in ways that disparage self-love. A qualification must be made between disordered self-love and ordered self-love. Disordered self-love shows up as selfishness, self-centeredness, and ultimately as narcissism. Ordered self-love mirrors God’s love for his beloved children (Ephesians 5:1) where his “agape” for us (Romans 5:5) and our response  “agape” for Him (Philippians 1:9) is received and realized and experienced.

Self-sacrifice and different kinds of love

Let’s take a moment to look at the famous exchange between Jesus and Peter after the Resurrection. Notice the Greek words for love used in the original text.

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love [agape] me more than these?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love [philia] you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’  A second time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love [agape] me?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love [philia] you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Tend my sheep.’  He said to him the third time, ‘Simon son of John, do you love [philia] me?’ Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, ‘Do you love [philia] me?’ And he said to him, ‘Lord, you know everything; you know that I love [philia] you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.’ (John 21:15-17)

When Jesus asks Peter if has “agape” love for him, Peter answers each time that he has “philia” love for him. Agape is unconditional divine love, while philia love is affectionate brotherly love. Jesus condescends on the third question and asks if he has philia love for him. The dynamic of the entire conversation changes when we know the Greek words used. Peter’s first two responses are actually attempts to dodge the real question. It would seem that at this time Peter cannot truly commit to the deep unconditional love that Jesus is calling him to. Perhaps it is due to his guilt in denying Jesus or perhaps it is outside of his capacity.

Peter essentially admits that he cannot commit to sacrificing himself. Jesus does not rebuke him but simply asks him to feed his sheep. Agape love then is not only about affection but about self-sacrifice. A moment later in John 21:21 Peter sees John, the Beloved Disciple, and asks Jesus, “Lord, what about him?” which only makes sense as a question if Peter understands that Jesus’ prior questioning was about Peter’s willingness to self-sacrifice. Jesus does rebuke Peter, “if it is my will that he [John] remain until I come, what is that to you?” Interestingly, in Church tradition we learn that Peter is willing to die for Jesus and is crucified upside down in Rome whereas John died a natural death in Ephesus.

Self-love, then, at least self-agape, is about self-sacrifice, and it is deeply tied to our agape love for God. This is quite different from egotism and narcissism. It is about self-donation. In Christian parts work we learn that this self-donation begins first in the inner world, the inner kingdom, and then is extended to others and God. The inmost self offers agape love to the parts not only philia love. In IFS therapy, when the therapist asks the self to extend compassion to a part, it is unconditional not just affectionate (although it can certainly be both). It is the love of a parent that is willing to die for their child. This is a powerful love that once felt is indeed transformational.

Time for Personal Reflection:

I invite you to a moment of recollection. This is a prayerful calling to mind of all your parts, becoming aware of the inmost self, our deep spiritual center, and opening of your heart to God’s presence.

As your parts rest in a kind of gentle internal quiet, notice your body relax, your shoulders drop, and your face soften. As your breathing both deepens and slows, you become more aware of that deep spiritual center, your inmost self. Notice how calm and restful that feels. Notice the presence of Jesus, the Word, who is Himself the perfect icon of the Father. Notice the presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, whose love flows from the Father, through the Son, and into your heart.

Allow yourself to rest in that beautiful and perfect love that comes from our God.

When Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love [agape] me?” He is really asking, are you willing to surrender all to me? Are you even willing to die for me if necessary?

Let us take a moment and not judge Peter too harshly. Do we have parts that have difficulty with surrendering? Most of us do.

Notice that even if we can only offer back philia love, Jesus will receive that.

What does it mean that Jesus offers agape love to you? He is willing to surrender all out of love for you.

If you can, notice how your inmost self is also able to surrender all out of love for every part of you. Notice how your inmost self reflects Jesus’ agape love.

Take a moment, if you can, to allow your parts to receive the agape love, like a loving parent, from your inmost self, and ultimately from God.

If you can, allow all your parts to bask in that love. Allow your very core, your spiritual center, your inmost self, to also bask in both the love that the parts reflect back, and the infinite love of the Divine Lover, God Himself.

May God bless you on your journey this week!

Resources for further study:

If you’re interested to learn more, here are a few resources you might want to check out:

Video:  A nine-minute YouTube video addressing Charity on “Aquinas 101” by Dominican Fr. Aquinas Guilbeau, O.P.

(Thomistic) books about love:

• Flood, Anthony (2018). The Metaphysical Foundations of Love: Aquinas on Participation, Unity, and Union. Washington, DC: The Catholic University of America Press.
• Flood, Anthony (2014). The Root of Friendship: Self-Love and Self-Governance in Aquinas. Washington, DC: The Catholic University of America Press.
• Pieper, Josef (1991). Hope. Love. San Francisco: Ignatius Press

Souls and Hearts resources:

“St. Thomas Aquinas: You Must Love You. First.” – Reflection – October 5, 2022

“IIC 97: Unlove of Self: How Trauma Predisposes You to Self-Hatred and Indifference” – podcast episode – September 5, 2022

“IIC 98: Self-Love: What Catholics Need to Know” – podcast episode  – October 3, 2022

Christ is Among us!

Dr. Gerry Crete

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